...back tracking

I called up Jimmy Johns and ordered a good ol Beach Club Turkey sandwich for lunch today and I don't think I came up for breathing. HAHA. DUDE...i'm cramping - anything goes when you're cramping. Isn't that the rule of thumb? NO - immediate regret, WHY did I eat just because I was stressed when I've been doing so good. I HAVE A WEIGH-IN 2MORROW, no bueno friends, no bueno. As of yesterday I was up 5 lbs, I half-way blame "Aunt Flo or Uncle TOM" (various aliases) for part of that bloated weight gain. Sounds like a good enough excuse to me anyways.

So let's back track to this "stress" I mentioned above...

Yesterday - a bank officer was laid-off and asked to pack up and leave immediately. As you can imagine, it made for an anxious & somewhat ackward work enviroment for the remainder of the day. Everyone began worrying if there was a "who" to be next on that chopping block and it was just a work environment filled with A LOT of whispering and closed doors. (can I just say I greatly dislike whispering...and especially dislike when meetings start occuring behind closed management doors.)

Today - The start of my day everything was seemingly well other than the extremely intense cramps I've been experiencing the last 2 days - but such is life. I can manage - it's a blessing to me, means something must be working right in there and I want kids some day so bring it on cramps!!! I guess I think outside of the box...haha.

So before work I stop by my folks house and my mom's home.

Mesha: "What are you doing home Mom?"
Mom: "They sent me home since I just got back from Mexico. They said that due to the swine flu scare, I can either use my PTO or take an unpaid holiday until I'm out of exposure time."
Mesha: "WHAT!?! Can they do that? You aren't even sick - I understand what they are saying, but they are kinda punishing you if your only options are your earned PTO or not getting paid, that's bogus."

That really wasn't TOO huge of a deal, however, I was pretty upset by that this morning...Well, around 1:30 we get an email from the bank CEO saying that effective immediately, he is resigning and basically will still be used whenever he's needed for public relations, however, he's technically not a part of Hillcrest Bank anymore is what he was saying in a softer nutshell. WOW! Talk about a breathe-taking, heart-breaking moment. My boss starts bawling, people start scurrying throughout the branch, I sit in shock with my jaw on the floor and co-workers start forming group hugs with blank gazes on their faces and tears welling up in their eyes. It was like having a "yesterday" all over again. Everyone LOVED our bank CEO and people have literally stayed here just because of the life of integrity he has led. What's next is what's running through everyone's minds. Are we changing directions? Are more layoffs in the works? Who can come close to running the show like him? Are we being bought out? TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW...that's kinda what everyone is wanting to shake out of management.

At that point, things get kinda comical when a spiral effect start occuring and it's just kinda like - everything HAS to look up from here. Then I get the "breaking news email" that it has been declared that the swine flu threat has been raised to a level 5 which is one step from a full blown pandemic. ICING ON THE CAKE BABY!

We just got slap-happy at this point, laughing at the most ridiculous things, making up funny songs and just throwing the work aside for a moment. THAT WAS MY DOWNFALL...I ate!

Now that you are caught up to speed, let's resume with the Jimmy Johns. Now I'm carrying a small child in the form of a enriched bleached WHITE flour sub in the pit of my already excessively huge tummy and I feel like I could give birth any minute. WWWWWHHHY!

The convenience of American food - IT'S HORRIFYING.

What's Up...

NOT THE SCALE!!!

12 WEEK WEIGHT LOSS COMPETITION: WEEK 2

-1.6lbs lost Total: 31.6lbs

Well, after a dissappointing WW weigh-in on Sunday followed by having to work all week in hopes of just catching back up by Thursday, I pulled it off. However, I can't take credit of my own and I realized I haven't been exactly doing it in a "safe" way. I took 3 water pills jam-packed with 100mg caffeine each yesterday in hopes of dropping the excess weight I needed to lose before the weigh in. Well, not only that, but I only ate 100 calories for the day, before 10am along with the equivalent of 1 glass of water until 7pm that evening. I'm realizing that although competition drives me, it's not worth it to greater risk my health by doing it in an unsafe manner. AY! In 12 weeks the competition will be over - and let's face it, in 12 weeks I will STILL have a long ways to go. So then what, do I stop working at it? I need to be motivated for me, not just for some competition. My friend Richie made a really good point to me the other day, he said,

"You don't join your first competition "expecting" to win, you join it to prepare for the next. Mesh, if you get caught up in the competition and just wanting to win you forget why you are even doing it. It's supposed to be to get healthy, not just win."

I'm half-way convinced that it had a strong effect on me because I was in shock from that sort of comment coming out of HIS mouth...lol...but regardless, point was taken. So...from this point on, the competition is my motivation, but it's not detrimental if I don't win. It's not detrimental if I'm lagging for a week. It's even not detrimental if I experience a small gain...this is a "life-change" not a competition.

I subscribe to the Jillian Michaels "Tip of the Day" and today's read:

One Size Doesn't Fit All

Ever try to squeeze your feet into shoes that are one size too small just because you love the style? Doesn't work, does it? Well, maybe you can cram your feet into those shoes for the sake of a special evening, but you can't wear them all the time. They're just too uncomfortable!

Starving yourself with the goal of creating a physique that's contrary to your natural body type is a similar thing. You might get there for a month or two, but eventually your body will rebel.
Ultimately, there are three basic body types. It's important to understand your shape and know what you can and can't expect. Which one best describes you?

Now, I COMPLETELY was like, "Way to jump my case Jillian..." lol...after reading this whole "case and point" on starving yourself. What can I say, timing was impecible.

The apple shape. People with apple shapes tend to store fat in their upper bodies, so if an apple is carrying extra weight, it's usually around the belly. Apples have evolved to store fat in this way to adapt to long periods of famine. Fat stored in the upper body can lead to heart disease, so it is important for apples to be health conscious.

The pear shape. Pears hold the majority of their fat in the lower body: hips, buttocks, saddlebags. Pears are mostly women. This shape has evolved because fat stored in these areas aids in fertility and breast-feeding. This type of fat is not as much of a health risk as abdominal fat, but it is harder to lose.

The proportioned shape. Lucky proportionates have fat cells distributed equally throughout their entire body. When they gain weight, they gain it everywhere. When they lose weight, it comes off evenly.

SOOOOO...the good news of the day....*drum roll*

I'M FAT ALL OVER!!!

Yessireee...I have the blessing of being this 3rd category of people who's fat is non-discriminatory. Oh no, there is definately no picking and choosing favorites here - my fat calls this whole body home. On the real though, I have always considered myself "lucky" that my body is for the most part proportionate when it comes to weight distribution. Now I can rest assured knowing that it's the easiest body type to lose weight evenly with. My internal fear has been that I'm going to be some deformed FREAK SHOW once I lose a significant about of weight and I'd be more self-consciencious and insecure at a healthy weight than I was at an obese one.

In ways, this "weight loss journey" really has MANY parallels to my life as a Christian. The devil convinces us that sin is all we know and makes life without it seem so foreign and unimaginable that often you stay bound because it's simply "all you know." The whole time God is offering FREEDOM. When we go through tests & trials we are called to be faithful to what God is calling us to and not worry about the future. We just have to have faith and trust that the outcome with be ok.

That's where I'm at right now, being overweight is what I've known my whole life and the thought of one day being within a normal weight range is so foreign that it often scares me more than motivates me. I know this is not what's best for me, but it seems easier than the unknown - I know how to be the "overweight me." I worry about how I'll look - but my part is being faithful to honor this temple as God's called me to, the rest I should just trust Him on. I think I just had a little lesson on FAITH today...

Matthew 6:34 (NIV)
34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Hebrews 11 (NKJV)
By Faith We Understand
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

...the end of fat!?!

...so, if OMEGA means "the end," then by eating Omega3 Fatty Acids am I putting an end to fat in my life - because if so, I'M GAME!

Last week at our nutrition class for my Weight Loss Competition, we talked about protein and how it's so important for our continued weight loss success. As I already knew, that scaly, smelly, aqua dwelling creature got brought up - FISH!

I totally am NOT a "fish" fan personally. The only fish I really have enjoyed eating is deep-fat fried catfish with hotsauce, a slice of white bread and cajun seasoned waffle fries (accompanied by a cool Cherry Coke or Dr. Pepper). How's that for your "Omega FAT." haha That is one meal I've looked forward to once a year when we have our Juneteenth Celebration and my uncle has his famous "fish fry." It's the only serving of fish I eat all year round...till now!

After a "Last Minute Workout" last night, my friend commented, "I have like 300 calories left for the day and I have some Salmon waiting for me at home." She then talked about these grilled salmon fillets found in the frozen section that only take 4 minutes to prepare and taste great! "HA! Of course to her, BUT I don't like fish..." However, a little after mid-night I ventured to Wal-Mart (best time to shop by way), and I picked up a box in order to force in some Omega3 since it's "SOOOO" important!

This morning I sluggishly drug myself out of bed for a 30-min step-aerobic exercise on the Wii Fit followed by a breakfast of champions: Grilled Salmon and Steamed Broccoli. Guess what happened...

HAHA - I LIKED IT!!!

Yes, the girl who used to drench her only serving a year of "Omega3" in fatty, cholesterol filled grease and then let it fry broadened her horizons today and tried something new...AND LIKED IT!!!

BRING IT ON OMEGA3, BRING IT ON!!!

...working for the body of a senior citizen

Yea, so that's what I feel like I'm doing. Seriously, I am 23 years old and have the aches and pains of a senior citizen. *sigh* The past couple weeks my left knee has really been bothering me when I do leg exercises or water aerobics and I don't know if I need to work my way through it to build it up or if I should be backing off of it because I'm wearing it down. I am very familiar with the "3-step process" of getting up from the ground because it takes that or more for me to go from my knees to standing - yea, not the most pleasant sight! It's just crazy though, my neck and shoulders and back bother me more than anything though - and I know that working those muscles contributes to that (which isn't bad), however, I hate taking pain meds to allevate the uncomfortability. Ay! If I were rich - I'd be going for neck and shoulder massages on a regular basis - HA! I've never actually had one before, never wanted to spend the pretty penny for one, however, I'm thinking more and more I may have to just give in.

Hard to swallow...

*GULP*

My WW weigh in was yesterday and unfortunately the results were not in line with my success 3 days prior. How do you gain 5 lbs in 2 1/2 days? I've come to one of two conclusions:

1. The scale at my competition mis-weighed me because it's really not the best scale
2. That water pill I took on Thursday really worked and I lost nearly 5 lbs of water weight in 7 hours that I quickly gained back in the days following.

Either conclusion saddens me to the point it was hard to maintain focused and stay hopeful yesterday. It's crazy how one event can alter your ENTIRE outlook on a situation. *sigh*

Well, although today is better in the sense that I don't feel like "throwing in the towel," anymore, I still feel a little disheartened by the difference between 25lbs lost and 30lbs lost. :(

...haha...so I said to a few of my friends last week,

"I know it kinda redundant for a fat person to say 'I feel fat today,' however I do..."

and that's how I'm feeling yet again. I guess it's more of a "confidence" issue rather than a weight issue that I'm implying when I make that statement. Although I know I'm overweight, that's reality, I typically carry myself in a way to where I don't walk around feeling "fat." So for me, fat is a mentality - being overweight is the reality. By the end of today I want to leave behind that "mentality," and continue working to change my "reality." WOW - the mind of Mesha, don't stay for a long ride, you might be in for more than you asked for. HAHA.

So on a seperate note, earlier last week I posted about my "prophetical" calendar and today it's right in line with "prophecy" again. Todays message reads:

"sometime this month...Volunteer to read to kids at an understaffed pre-school or shelter."

Tomorrow I will be going to read a book & teach a lesson on savings in Kansas City, MO to an inner city school. It's called "Teach A Child To Save Day." I had the opportunity to participate in this last year as well and it turned out to be quite a treat. I'm not gonna lie, 3rd graders intimidate me, but hopefully I'll get through it without sweating bullets.

59 minutes with "little voice"

5k - (that's 5 kilometers, which is 3.1 LOOONG miles)

Weight Watchers has been encouraging all members to do a 5k this year in line with the NEW Momentum plan that is getting people active. So last week they had us do our "storyboards" on how to prepare for an event such as a 5k...what steps you should take to get there and train and such.

However, my 5k occurred in NO WAY like my storyboard. lol...sometimes it just takes a "get up and go," approach for me to accomplish something rather than talking it out. HAHA.

So I go to the gym and I absolutely hate walking, especially on the treadmill because I've found that I'm constantly staring at that time clock as if I can make the time I've put in jump faster and I'm pretty well finished once I hit 10-15 min. Well, I've recently started bringing the handy WW booklets along to read so that I'm distracted a little more. I've set in my mind that I will not look at the time or distance until I am completely done reading the booklet and then I will finish off at the nearest 5 minute mark and then finish with my cool down. (ex: done reading at 17 minutes, I will continue to walk until I reach 20 minutes) I purposely brought a longer booklet knowing this was a strictly cardio day and once I finished I had walked 47 MINUTES. now, for the average person, this is nothing, however, for me, this is EXTREME!!! After pushing myself that hard, I knew I had to hit that 50 minute mark to make the longest time I've ever walked in one setting. Yea, so all fine and dandy (other than feeling as if my lungs were going to explode).

WELL, if it weren't for this "little voice" inside of me that comes out in the form of HUGE COMPETITION, I would have just stopped there. Stinkin' peripherial vision though, the corner of my eye caught the 2.85mi distance I had already walked and "little voice" spoke up and said, "Yo! You are almost at a 5k, might as well go for it now." AWW SHUCKS! You kidding me, of course "little voice won," and I pushed myself through alternating btwn 3.7 and 3.2 until I hit that big 3.1 MILE MARK!!! I've never hit that stop button so desperatly before. Exactly 59 minutes - the girl who barely walks a mile in 25 did 3.1 miles in 59 minutes. After nearly collapsing where I stood, this little well of joy rose up inside me and I proudly walked out knowing I had done it. There was no pre-prepping, there was no pre-conceived decision, I just did it! All I knew is after getting that close, there was no such thing as a "Chicken Exit," nope, not for this chick.

Alright, I'm done (mainly because it's 2:11 and we closed the bank at 2...haha...i'm ready to go home)

12 Week Competition

12 Week Weight Loss Competition

Okay, so I really wasn't going to start this blogging thing again, been there done that and thought I had moved on. However, I loved it so much the first go around I thought I'd start one up to follow my weight loss journey.

Let's start with February: I joined Weight Watchers which has proven to be the best life style decision I've made other than salvation of course. :) I have been given the opporunity to really start living and living in a way that I'm able to better glorify my maker in the area of health.

April 6th: My weight loss competition began and my first weigh in (yesterday) I pulled 9.4 lbs lost in 10 days. AMAZING! I don't know if I've ever experienced being proud of myself like I did yesterday.

April 14th: I hit my "25lb milestone" with weight watchers and got a little weight which I wear on a necklace as a reminder of how far I've come. So cool story about that though...how BIZARRE is this? I have a little daily calendar that gives little motivational words and challenges each day and I hit my 25lb on Apr 14 (evening meeting). I get to work the next day and my Apr 15 day says,

"BRAVO! milestones, milestones, milestones...it's kind to acknowledge milestones..."

How stinkin' cool is that? I just laughed for a moment at my desk and I have kept that calendar page as a reminder.

Even more exciting still is the fact that since I began Weight Watchers, I have lost exactly 30lbs in just under 11 weeks. I have a LOOOOONNNNG road ahead of me, however, it is totally worth it to have the health, energy, confidence and ability to not just exist but enjoy life day by day.

This isn't the end, it's just the
beginning.